World Behind
by country-mommy
Summary: What if Bella died after giving birth to Renesmee Edward's pov : My heart,soul,hope and even faith was found when Bella came into my world. If I was soulless monster before what am I now with all I was,am or would be gone.


Preface: My heat, soul, hope, and even faith was found when Bella came into my world. If I was a soulless monster destined for hell before then what was I now.

Nothing, the living dead. This was hell and I could never escape. It has been a week since that terrable day-my life was taken, never to return. Someone was always in seeing or hearing distence from me-not trusting me to myself and with good reason.

A few days ago was the funeral, I didn't want to go but my family did and because I can not be left alone-Emmett kept a restraining hold of me the whole time. I hadn't hunted since our honeymoon, I couldn't think of that now. They didn't want to take any chances not with humans around but I knew I wouldn't do anything I didn't want to feed I wanted to die.

I laid curled into a ball on our bed in my room, covered by her quilt. Breathing in what was left of her scent, closeing my eyes, seeing my angel's face. Imagining her here with me, her sweet voice telling me she loved me. Soon I was crying tearlessly, letting the torturous waves wash over me.

Occasionaly someone would come into my room, trying to get me to hunt or to see 'her' but I didn't have the intreste to pay attention to them or their thoughts to register who and sometimes they startled me. I didn't relize that my body could register being cold untill I was shaking. I pulled my own comforter over the quilt-in over one hundred years since my transformation I had never felt cold, I did now.

"Edward" I heard, I thought it was my angel

"Bella, come back. I'm so cold without you" "Bella, I'm so sorry" "I tried to save you, I did everything-but it wasn't enough-I couldn't save you in time" "I'm sorry" "so sorry" I cried out but she was fading from me "NO!" I cried out panicing "Please come back, take me with you" "I don't want to be here without you" I was sobing uncontrolably and tearlessly and freezing-a new one for me.

"Edward" the voice came again and an arm wrapped around me, I opened my eyes it was Esme. "I'm sorry son" she said then added in a soft voice "are you ok" she place a hand on my cheek trying to comfort me. I crindge and knocked it away-it was warmer then it should be but not as warm as I needed it to be. It only reminded me how cold I felt.

"I...I...I'm s...s...so...col...ddd..."

"Carlisle" she called alarmingly for my father

I didn't listen to them as they spoke. Carlisle left then came back moments later with Jasper and everyone else behind them. I didn't look at anyone or listen to any of their thoughts. I didn't care enough to bother.

The voices invaded seemingly all at once.

"Edward at least have some donated blood, I could warm it for you"

"you need to eat something"

"Renesmee has been asking for you, think of your daughter"

"I miss her too-"

I pulled the blankets over my head "SHUT UP AND LEAVE" I shouted at them cutting off Alice

"you are acting like a a kid" Emmett told me I only growled

"I know how-" I cut Jasper off too "NO! YOU DON'T! NONE OF YOU DO! NOW LEAVE!" I shouted though I hadn't moved as soon as they left I let the ach in my chest take over, the torture, the lonelyness.

Breathing in her scent helped but only a little but it also made it worse-it was starting to fade. I closed my eyes-feeling tired was another unknown to me since my transformation-all I felt now was tired and cold. Too tired and too cold to even get out of bed none the less anything else. Out of breath-that was what I was now also feeling. I took short shallow breaths trying to breath in all of her scent but getting no releif.

Before I knew it I was crying out for her in broken tearless sobs. "B...Bela...P...Please" "take...me...away" " I...I...I c...can't" " I...d...don't...want...to be h...here" "can't st...st...stay" "d...d...don't m...ma...ke me"

I part of me knew Bella wouldn't want this for me, she would want me to do the right thing and take care of 'the girl'. My daughter was uncomprehencable and our daughter hurt to much, though Renesmee was her name it felt wrong to call her that Bella did give it to her. I was pulled from my thoughts when I unwillingly heard my family talking.

"Maybe we should leave for awhile, get him out of here"

"Poor Edward, I wish there was a way to help"

"Carlisle this can't be good for him to be this way"

"We would have to get him to hunt or something first"

"none of us like seeing him this way"

"we can't get him to see his own daughter what makes you think we could pull him away from here-where Bella is burried"

"he hasn't gone there since"

"he hasn't left his room since, and he won't go easily"

I pressed play on the cd player to drown out their voices but I'd forgotten what cd was in it-it was the one Alice and I made her and it was her lullybye that was playing. I picked up the whole sterio and threw it out my window, I watched as it fell to the ground and shatered. I went on a rampage then taring, breaking, destroying everything in my room I could get my hands on. When there was nothing left I simply hit the wallls or throwing myself at them hoping they would crush me as if I was human.

Suddenly I was cought in Emmett's iron grasp. Holding me, keeping me from going into the wall again. Everyone came in then except 'her'Where was 'she', who was with 'her'? Didn't matter much as long as someone could take care of 'her'. I stared at them trying to get out of Emmett's hold. I don't know what they saw in me-probably nothing, cause that was how I felt. Like an empty nothing. One by one they sighed and left leaving me with only Emmett. He let go only to put his hands on my shoulders keeping me there as he looked into my eyes and spoke.

"Get over yourself, do you see how much you are hurting them. Alice, Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie-he hissed-what your emotions are doing to Jasper, YOUR OWN DAUGHTER!" he growled the last part "we are all hurting over Bella's death, but you like this hurts more, and we will have to move on soon"

"I cant...she won't beable to find-"

he cut me off "she has not left, she's not coming back" he told me then added more softly "I'm sorry, Bella is dead. You tried to save her you did everything you could do but it wasn't enough and it was too late, you have a daughter that needs you" "we need you"

"sh...she...she's n...no...ttt coming ba...back" I sobed "h...how do I...I g...get over th...that"

"Edward, Renesmee is asking for you" it was Carlisle what cought me off was that Jacob was still here and at the door now

"we had a deal" I told him remembering he had promised to kill me when Bella died

"I'm sorry but I can't hurt Nessie like that" for once I looked at his thoughts. He had imprinted on her and couldn't purposly hurt her by taking away her only parent. Minutes later they walked out leaving me, I put my fist through the wall. I heard them talking down stairs.

"I'm sorry, but I don't think we can help him and we will need to move soon" Carlisle told them then added "Jake, you'll need to talk to your dad and Sam if you are going to go with us"

"We are just going to give up and leave him" Alice asked clearly hurt by this

"Carlisle" Esme whispered

I didn't listen anymore, curled up, covering myself and closed my eyes. I always have these sort of dreams: she was here in my arms talking in her sleep. 'I love you' she'd say to me 'I love you to my angel' I'd respond but like always the dream would turn into a nightmare. 'Take care of our daughter' she whispered starting to fade again.

"NO! Don't go, please come back" I called to her "BELLA PLEASE" I screamed but she was gone, I opened my eyes so much for my sweet dreams. I am sure my family thought I was truely crazy. I heard them talking once Alice no longer saw my future-I wasn't making any decisions I just wanted to die and wanted to be with her-no needed to be with her-'cross my heart hope to die'. My emotions are changing so quickly and drasticly that Jasper can't keep up and his gift helped very little. This was why Carlisle said they couldn't help me and they can't unless they can bring my Bella back to me.

I laid there with my eyes closed, not wanting to know the truth but not able to lie to myself, it was a hard line to walk. I wanted it to be a very bad dream, to suddenly wake up and see her, hear her, feel her, smell her. To wake up and she would be here with me then I could live again. Wanting so badly for it to be a dream that I sometime beleived it was but beleiving dosen't make it true.

I once thought that high school was hell, punishment for my sins, but this was my true punishmment. My love, my angel taken away never to return. I'm sure she was in heaven now and almost as surtin that even if my family let me die or whatever I would never see her again, but I still wanted to test that theory and die anyway. I heard my family talking again and got the gist of it.

Some of them thought it was best to just leave me here alone others-Alice and Esme mostly was against it.

"Alice I don't know how much longer I can handle his emotions"

"I can't leave Edward, Carlisle"

"let's take him to Alaska or South America"

I refuse to leave Forks with that I left and went to our medow. My family followed but stayed back. It wasn't the same, her scent had been washed away long ago and the sun was not shinning. I laid down and closed my eyes anyway, her words echoed in my head 'rain is not the problem, it just means it's time to do something very unpleasent and highly dangerous, time to tell Charlie.'

I could almost feel her here and I called out "Bella, Bella" I opened my eyes when she didn't answer she wasn't there. Where did she go back to the truck maybe. It wasn't where it should be. Would she leave me and go home. No she wouldn't she would get lost trying. Someone had to have taken her I should tell Charlie. When I got to her house her truck was there, I was sure we had taken it to the medow.

"Bella" I called Charlie opened the door "where is she, she left me I want to know why" then I noticed Billy I didn't see his son then it was like my worst fear come true she chose 'him' "is she with him, did she leave me for him" they looked like I was crazy but didn't answer. I was sudenly angery "SHE LEFT ME, LEFT OUR DAUGHTER FOR HIM!" I shouted then remembered she left but not like that. I fell to the ground crying tearlessly" "I'm so sorry...it...t's...my...f...fault" "I...I...shouldn't...I couldn't " "this should never have happened, I should have stayed away, I shouldn't be here, shouldn't excist, CARLISLE SHOULD HAVE LET ME DIE! SHE'D BE HERE IF HE HAD!" I wanted to scream at Carlsile for what he did-for not letting me die then, for not being here when Bella and I needed him most for not leting me just go and die now, I hated him for it all of it.

"Enough Edward, someone tell me what the hell he is talking about" Charlie demanded,

Billy spoke "we should talk about this inside" we all followed. I didn't listen as Carlisle explained everything to Charlie

"his eyes are diferent, why" Charlie asked

"he is thirst, but don't worry he won't try anything besides Emmett has him" Carlisle told him Charlie stiffened and back away anyway.

A thought accured to me one that Bella would kill me herself for-if I did something to Charlie the wolves would have no choice but to kill me right? "won't I" I nearly growled showing my teeth.

"DO NOT LET HIM GO!" Alice shouted

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen!" this was from Esme

"Do you want to start a war"

"Do you not care about us"

"NO! NOW LET ME GO" I screamed struggling to get out of Emmett's hold on me

"he's crazy"

"maybe Nessie should stay with us untill you get things-settled" Billy suggested Carlisle nodded and then I was beeing draged away.

"What the hell, I think you really are crazy bro"

"suicadle is more like it"

"all the more reason for us to be here for him"

"I think Alice and I should go on our own for a while"

"WHAT?"

"I'm sorry Alice, weither he is crazy or suicidle or whatever he is not himself-that makes him a danger to people, to us and I won't have you in danger not in the slightest"

"he is not to me or any of us"

I quit listening to them though I was still being draged. I closed my eyes, I didn't need to see. 'Edward' I heard in my head 'yes my love' I answered 'we're leaving' she asked 'yes' 'where?' 'don't know'

"Edward" I heard and open my eyes, where was I.

"Where is Bella" I asked I thought she was just here. I looked around, I was being held by someone. I was confused and a little afraid. "What did you do to her where are you taking me" I just about screamed, the carmel color haired woman came to stand infront of me placing her hands on either side of my face.

"Sh" she shushed me "Edward, your home, and safe" "sh, it's ok" "sh" she kept repeating

"Esme?" I asked after what felt like forever

"That is why we can't stay, he doesen't always know who we are-he can turn on us without relizing it, if he feels threatend"

He was right I've had lots of moments wher I wasn't sure who they were and sometimes I felt afraid. Esme put her arm around me and Emmett let go for the moment. "He needs us more now" , I was here first and there for in most ways her favorite at least that is what the others would say.

I watched my feet as we walked back into the house, Emmett spoke then " I think we should stay with him Rose, I'm the only one strong enough to stop him like today."

"And what about when your hunting you caan't be with him twenty-four-seven, that makes him a danger to us and our secret I won't be apart of either"

"I know I'd talked about living him but that is not an option anymore I will stay he's my responsability"

I was in my room again in my now usuaal position, everyone I loved and needed had and still was leaving me. My human parents, my Bella and now Alice. Of my sibilings she was my favorite. One minute I was seeing Alice and in the next she was changing turning into Bella. It was in these moments-dreams-I felt whole and at peace.

'Love,you came back' I thought 'I 've missed you, please stay' I pleaded with her breathing in her scent.

'I love you' she said simply

'you are my life now' it was our words from so many-what seemed like years ago.

'take care of her' she sounded further away, she was leaving me again

"NO!" I screamed "Wait, I can't live without; my life my soul, my heart." "PLEASE BELLA" why must it always end like this way. Me in a way waking up screaming, crying tearlessly, shaking and calling her back to me. "Come back, please don't leave me again" wasn't one heartach enough "or take me with you" I whispered.

Someone came into the room-the pixie.

"Edward" she said softly coming toward me, the man with all the scars stood at the door

"you're not Bella" I said dropping my eyes from them, noone mattered but my Bella. "Where is she, is she coming for me? I've been away far too long, she came for me in Italy." She sighed exsaperated and sad at the same time. "I like you shorty but my life is with Bella, if she could stay here with me then I would stay too" I told her honestly that only seemed to make her sader.

"He doesn't know who you are at the moment" the scared man told the pixie

"sure I do she's Tinkerbell and you're Peter Pan" I said trying to lighten things up a little it didn't work but that is who they remind me of anyway. She kissed and whispered in my ear.

"Get well soon" and with that she walked out for what I was sure would be the last time.

"Tinkerbell, really Eddy" the big guy said coming in with with Barbie "if he's Peter Pan then who the hell am I" he was laughing, a loud booming laugh that reminded me of a base drum. He was as big as a bear but his personality was more of like Yogi Bear and less like a real one.

"Yogi Bear" I told him he laughed but it was off some how

"I guess I'll see you around Boo Boo" he told me

"goodbye Edward" the blonde barbie said shaking her head then they were gone too.

I heard them saying goodbye to the others

The doctor and his wife came in last, I guess they were leaving also.

"Edward, what are you thinking son" the doctor asked

"are you leaving too" he nodded but then added

"yes we are but you'll be coming with us" he said

"we can't, I can't she won't know how to find me" I was panicing

"she who" the woman asked

"My Bella, I've been gone to long she has to be looking"

the woman with the carmal hair put her arm around me and spoke softly "Edward dear she's not looking for you"

"I have to look for her then, will you help me" I asked she seemed very nice but her next words confused me as well as shocked and hurt me.

"No , we know where she is, her body anyways. Edward, Bella died a month ago- she has been buried in the Forks cementary-after giving birth to Renesmee. Nessie is staying with Charlie and Jacob for a while"

"Renesmee is my daughter?" and as I said the words every thing came back to me crushing me with the weight of a thousand wrecking balls "NO! No she c...can't, th...they...left" I was sobbing now with both Esme and Carlisle on either side of me each had an arm around me "wh...what's...wrong...w...with...me".

"Nothing is wrong son, this is hard on you that's all it will get better" for the first time in I don't know how long I listened to his thoughts.

'What do I say? nothing is physicaly wrong. He is just having a really hard time or something. I guess we will see if the saying (time heals all wounds) is true'.

I didn't say anything but listened to Esme too.

'Poor Dear, I miss the others but maybe time away from them will help him. It will be hard enough to deal with one pair mates let alone three. We should go to South America, visit the Amizons none of them heave mates.'

After sometime, when have calmed down some they left to go pack and told me to do the same. It didn't take long, I'd ripped up every artical of clothing that reminded me of her; the browns-the color of her eyes, blues-my favorite color on her, white-her dress, tan-our matching sweaters our first trip to the medow, black-my tuxes from prom and our wedding, greens she hated green. That left my very little to wear.

I packed everything but one outfit and went to take a shower. No matter how hot I made it, it was never hot enough, I started shaking feeling frozen and my whole body ached. Feeling tired I was also crying, the water falling down like tears.

I turned it off when I heard a light knocked, I dressed in gray pants and a gray shirt, socks and shoes. Feeling like nothing had changed I sighed and left the bathroom. Esme was standing there she put her arm around me and asked

"Edward, how are you son"

what do I say; not fine couse I wasn't, sad that was an understatment, I'm sure they've heard me plead for death. I just shrugged and her other arm went around me in a hug

"it will get better" she told me trying to comfort me

I watched as Carlisle packed the bags into his car

"before we go we should hunt" he said then turn to me saying "that is not a request young man".

He killed the animals then watched to make sure I actually fed, he made sure I was beyond full before hunting for himself. Once the hunting was done we piled into his car and left.

Passing the school, the thriftway,Newton's, her house was hard. I stared out the window seeing everything and nothing at the same time leaving my world behind.


End file.
